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zonewombatI just finished "The Blessings of a Skinned Knee" (and there's a subtitle about how it's using the wisdom of Judaism to raise your kids).
I liked it a lot. Very sensible. Of course, it helps that the author's outlook about how to raise kids is very much aligned with mine, but she was able to put reasons behind some of the things I've felt in my gut to be true (like allowing kids to be kids, not over-competing with their birthday parties, not allowing them to be a democratic equal in decision-making, listening to them and making time for them).
I've been thinking for years that I didn't want to have children, because I hated being around other parents and their kids, and I hated seeing how kids were being raised. I didn't want to get into the non-stop competition of who got an Xbox 360 for Christmas, and who got a moon bounce at their birthday, and whose parents are doing their homework for them. Ultimately, of course, I didn't let that dissuade me, figuring that I'd do parenting like I do everything else, and not walk the same path as the majority of my peers. This book provided some good foundations for my path, and some good techniques.
One thing that freaking terrified me, though, was reading about the amount of homework even elementary school students get - three or more hours a night!!! WTF? That made me reconsider home-schooling. I tell you what, I'm much more interested in spending time with Mallory, or letting him ride bikes, play games, or just hang out than I am in having him miss his entire childhood doing homework. We don't know yet how much aptitude he has for school and study, or what his IQ is, but high or low, crushing him under homework isn't going to help.
I've been thinking for years that I didn't want to have children, because I hated being around other parents and their kids, and I hated seeing how kids were being raised. I didn't want to get into the non-stop competition of who got an Xbox 360 for Christmas, and who got a moon bounce at their birthday, and whose parents are doing their homework for them. Ultimately, of course, I didn't let that dissuade me, figuring that I'd do parenting like I do everything else, and not walk the same path as the majority of my peers. This book provided some good foundations for my path, and some good techniques.
One thing that freaking terrified me, though, was reading about the amount of homework even elementary school students get - three or more hours a night!!! WTF? That made me reconsider home-schooling. I tell you what, I'm much more interested in spending time with Mallory, or letting him ride bikes, play games, or just hang out than I am in having him miss his entire childhood doing homework. We don't know yet how much aptitude he has for school and study, or what his IQ is, but high or low, crushing him under homework isn't going to help.
The main stepping-stone I ran into with the book was, of course, Judaism. If I had to choose a major world religion to be a member of, it would be Judaism. The things I like about Christianity and Islam also overlap with Judaism, and Judaism leaves out a bunch of things I don't like from the other two. Yes, it's sexist, but no religion is without its warts.
But I don't have to choose, and voluntary commitment to a religion is unthinkable for me, so I'm left trying to figure out what to do about spirituality and religion in our family life, and in Mallory's development. Just at base, I think you need an understanding of what religion is in order to be educated, and in order to understand a large part of what makes human civilization tick. As an American, I think it's pretty crucial to know the main Bible stories and the tenets of Christianity so you can understand your cultural semiotics (never mind that while Mal's American, he hasn't actually set foot in the US yet).
The spiritual side of things is leagues more difficult. I think it's hugely important, but my spirituality can't co-exist with any organized spirituality/religion. Yet, how does one learn spirituality, character, good from bad, enjoyment and awe at the mysteries of existence, without being part of a community? There's a large and visceral difference between being able to quote the Bible, recite the story of Noah, explain the canonical divisions between Catholicism and Protestantism, argue for or against Jesus' divinity, and the personal experience of the spiritual (the second soul in Judaism). I'd like for Mallory to have both...but if he only has one, I'd rather he have the personal experience. I'd rather he develop an internal moral compass and an appreciation of the universe than rotely attend church (or whatever) and rotely recite The Lord's Prayer (or whatever).
But unless we create our own religion, a lot of the touchpoints mentioned in the book as important and helpful for raising children won't be there. We don't celebrate the Shabbat. We don't say grace. We don't have any other weekly observances. We don't have any yearly observances, except for a small and sort of commercial Christmas, and a huge and well-loved Halloween.
Maybe we create our own rituals? We've certainly talked about doing so. Dunno. It's a poser.
But I don't have to choose, and voluntary commitment to a religion is unthinkable for me, so I'm left trying to figure out what to do about spirituality and religion in our family life, and in Mallory's development. Just at base, I think you need an understanding of what religion is in order to be educated, and in order to understand a large part of what makes human civilization tick. As an American, I think it's pretty crucial to know the main Bible stories and the tenets of Christianity so you can understand your cultural semiotics (never mind that while Mal's American, he hasn't actually set foot in the US yet).
The spiritual side of things is leagues more difficult. I think it's hugely important, but my spirituality can't co-exist with any organized spirituality/religion. Yet, how does one learn spirituality, character, good from bad, enjoyment and awe at the mysteries of existence, without being part of a community? There's a large and visceral difference between being able to quote the Bible, recite the story of Noah, explain the canonical divisions between Catholicism and Protestantism, argue for or against Jesus' divinity, and the personal experience of the spiritual (the second soul in Judaism). I'd like for Mallory to have both...but if he only has one, I'd rather he have the personal experience. I'd rather he develop an internal moral compass and an appreciation of the universe than rotely attend church (or whatever) and rotely recite The Lord's Prayer (or whatever).
But unless we create our own religion, a lot of the touchpoints mentioned in the book as important and helpful for raising children won't be there. We don't celebrate the Shabbat. We don't say grace. We don't have any other weekly observances. We don't have any yearly observances, except for a small and sort of commercial Christmas, and a huge and well-loved Halloween.
Maybe we create our own rituals? We've certainly talked about doing so. Dunno. It's a poser.
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Date: 2006-04-16 06:28 am (UTC)On the religion/traditions bit, I have far less expertise, but it seems to me that having traditions is important, but having ones that you (as spiritual role-model) can believe in is key (I think a lot of my own relationship to the religion I grew up with stems in a big way from my parents' relationships to it, particularly my father's). The community is nice, and can be very important, but I think that there are other ways of getting a lot of those same benefits through other avenues. As far as what his own religion, I don't think it's until about 7th or 8th grade that most (I reiterate, most) kids can really do much to create their own beliefs, and just tweak those of their parents and other role-models, but I don't really know how I think that impacts the conversation: I do feel like it does, though.
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Date: 2006-04-16 09:23 am (UTC)I second this emotion. In fact, I agree with everything Abi said (including the homework and over-scheduling stuff).
There is much that is good about belonging to a (spiritual) community, and I have people in my life--because I met them at church--who are are important to me; I truly love them, but I think the social aspects of that are somewhat attainable through other avenues.
A spiritual path that's right for you isn't just going to be something you like better than the others. Hopefully, it is going to be something you believe (or come to believe) is true. I say this, because at some points in your journey (wherever it leads), you're not going to like something about it (either because you don't agree with the common interpretation of it, or because it is difficult to do or understand). I think belief in the [theology; philosophy; your -y of choice] behind the touchstones you've mentioned is part of what makes the touchstones meaningful to the family.
It's entirely possible and somewhat likely that Mal may grow to understand or express his spirituality differently than you do. I think those touchstones will resonate more with him during childhood (as will the purpose and memory of them--during adulthood), if you honestly feel a connection to the things you are doing. If you're just going through the motions in order to create an atmosphere for him, at some point, he is going to know that, and all he is going to learn is how to go through the motions. Society is already going to teach him that. He needs to get what is real, from you. Nobody is going to see through you faster than your kids (and not just about religious stuff--about everything). When Mal is ten, remember I told you that and smile.
If you decide you would like to determine what you believe to be the truth, before you start building up this aspect of your family life, resolve to give it an open-minded effort, so it is worth your time. I see a lot of people only looking for confirmation (and since I see this primarily in people who are investigating Christianity, let me be frank and say that I see it not only in people who are skeptical, but in believers, too). They're looking for affirmation, rather than a bigger truth, and I think they miss the point. The skeptics only "investigate" stuff that makes it easy to continue being skeptical. The believers only "investigate" stuff that makes it easy to continue to believe. I don't think that kind of search produces much of worth. I know it hasn't--where my own journey is concerned. I think it probably makes the most sense to first find out what is claimed and why, then what of it you believe, and only then decide on praxis. The practice is where you get to do it your way. In other words, if you come to believe that Judaism is true, that will be a result of your search for truth. How you honor what you believe to be true, is where you get to decide what community (if any), which holidays and other touchstones (if any) and how those things are celebrated. Ditto Christianity, or any other religion or world view. It is also where you get to root out ideas some people in that religion (etc.) hold, that you don't believe are true.
Finally? Mal is so blessed to have you. Look at how much thought you are putting into aspects of his growth that so many people don't even consider. You're working on love here Raq, so I am confident you will find the way.
It's 5:22 Easter morning here, now. The sun hasn't risen, but the sky is beginning to lighten, and I'm an evangelical (reluctant, at times) Protestant, but I'm not going to evangelize at you. SURPRISE. It's an Easter miracle! :)
I am going to remind you though, that my e-mail is always open to you, if there's anything I might know about, that you want to chew over with someone.
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Date: 2006-04-16 09:26 am (UTC)